In the Interest of Full Disclosure

Considering the self-congratulatory tone of my most recent articles I have decided to write about my most glaring mistakes. Whew, where do I even begin with such a cornucopia of errors at my disposal? My father once told me, “Brenda, you don’t mess up often, but when you do, it’s big.” (I had backed his car into a ditch and he had to call a tow truck to get me out.)

1. When I was 16, I was taken in by the police for underage drinking because I hid in the party host’s closet instead of running. Actually, that’s pretty funny now that I think about it.

2. I forgot to send my bridesmaids invitations to the rehearsal dinner. Fortunately, I had bought them each a Pashmina, so they forgave me.

3. I used to carry a Glock for work sometimes. One night, after a particularly exhausting day, I remembered that I left it in the car and went downstairs to get it. On the way back upstairs to my apartment, I accidentally opened somebody else’s apartment door thinking it was mine. It wasn’t in its proper case, it was in my hand. Hilarity ensued.

4. I did my own fresh floral work for my wedding. The night before the big day, I realized I had forgotten to order greenery/filler from the wholesaler. As a result, I was up until past 4 am cutting green stuff from my front hedges for the centerpieces, hoping none of my neighbors saw me since there was really no adequate way of explaining what I was doing with pruning shears out front at 2 am. My bouquet greenery wound up being fronds from one of the palm trees.

5. When my husband and I first started dating, he let me play amateur landscaper/gardener. I tore all the existing stuff out. I planted all new stuff, none of which grew. My mother-in-law resented me for a while over this one.

6. I accidentally broke my mother-in-law’s heirloom crystal pitcher by pouring boiling water into it.

7. I accidentally broke the sprinkler pump by leaving it on overnight. Fortunately, I bore a male child. Now I’m golden.

Ok, that’s enough self-flagellation for now.